Dearest gentle reality readers, the entire cast is fighting on Real Housewives of New Jersey. In this week’s episode, “Don’t Trial This at Home,” the men are now divided, mirroring their female counterparts (with much redder faces). Speaking of dramatic damsels, Teresa brings in her attorney to educate the ladies while the universe educates John on allergies. Likewise, the universe also blesses Dolores with a sign on her girl’s trip, showing her that it might be chaotic, which, duh. If you missed it, the details live below in our RHONJ Season 14, Episode 12 recap!

Boners and bitch boys are all part of Real Housewives of New Jersey Season 14, Episode 12

Danielle’s daughter just learned the word “boner.” Therefore, she screams it loudly. She is her mother’s daughter. 10/10, Valentina. Starting an episode of Jersey with some humor is what we need!

Joe tells Melissa about his upcoming guy’s night. “Paulie’s a little wishy-washy, and Bill responded, ‘I have surgeries,’” Joe recalls. He questions Bill’s answer, asking, “Who has surgeries on a Friday night?” Melissa, however, notes that it might be true.

We see you, Mel. That was a solid showing of support for Aydin’s man.

Across town, Rachel’s daughter Giuliana is progressing with her gross motor skills. Likewise, Aydin’s communication skills with Bill are also strengthening. Sitting on their couch after a long day, Aydin tells Bill about last week’s sleepover. Afterward, she brings up Joe’s guy’s night, but Bill laughs, telling his wife he has plans at Luis’ house, not surgeries.

You wasted your good showing of support, Melissa.

After calling Nate a “little bitch boy,” Aydin tells Bill about Dolores’s upcoming trip. This trip aims to “heal” this cast, but Aydin sees nothing to heal unless Danielle can “move forward with kindness.”

Finally, Dolores rings up Fessler, telling her she found the perfect house for this trip. It is located in the Berkshires and includes a separate guest house, which these ladies might need. Even still, Dolores hopes everyone can stay busy and sort their issues out while remaining “civil” and “peaceful.” She wants everyone to “Goombya” by the campfire, but Fessler is “keeping her expectations low.”

Ladies who lunch

Margaret meets up with Fessler and a random swarming bee for lunch. Joe B. hasn’t had his biopsy yet, so Marge’s nerves remain heightened. Not helping, Messy Fessy shares that Teresa called. Her lawyer has court findings on Margaret that Tre wants her friends to hear, straight from her hired “horse’s mouth.”

Margaret’s ticked. After hearing the guest list, Margaret calls Dolores. Dolores answers, letting Margaret know that she wants to hear Teresa out. “I’m disappointed that anyone would engage in that nonsense,” Margaret responds before hanging up and calling Danielle.

Danielle answers, explaining that Tre’s meeting involves Luis’ court case. This call also quickly ends. Understanding Margaret’s irritations, Fessler changes her mind about attending. She texts Teresa, declining her invitation.

Double guys’ night

John Fuda arrives at Joe’s guy’s night, wearing pajamas. It’s a joke, referencing Luis’ former wearing of Nonno’s pajamas. Margaret calls her man. Joe B. puts her on speakerphone, and she tells the men about Teresa’s meeting.

Joe G. states that Luis’ ruined his family and he’s surprised that Bill and Paulie are choosing to hang out with him instead. He says that they’re entering a “cult,” and then the editors throw some shade by cutting to Luis’ big plan for the evening.

Paulie and Bill arrive at Luis’. He’s serving steak, just like Joe G. Then, Luis reveals his surprise. He takes the men into a recording studio, asking them to film short devotionals to their ladies. They will send these clips to their women during their upcoming cast trip. It’s very reminiscent of the video of Luis that leaked from his all-male retreat, before he found RHONJ fame.

Over at the Gorga mansion, the men do bone marrow shots and start playing poker. But John starts feeling sick. He’s having an allergic reaction and an ambulance gets called. Frank comforts John as Joey pees in the toilet beside his struggling friend.

The paramedics give John oxygen and check him out, but not without Fuda complaining that “Italians don’t need medication,” or something to that effect. He starts feeling better, so Joey invites the team (who he calls “cops”) to stay for dinner. At least one of them sit down to enjoy some steak, which was sweet.

Teresa’s attorney has arrived, but so have Marge’s flowers

Remember that perfect vacation house Dolores found? It burnt down. Dolores thinks “it’s an omen.”

After Margaret called her, Dolores remained firm on her decision to attend Tre’s meeting. Overall, “there’s nothing Teresa’s gonna tell” her “that’s gonna move mountains,” but she still needs “to listen to her.”

At Teresa’s, the ladies finally arrive, and James, her lawyer, is introduced. After explaining his history with Teresa, he dives in.

“The individual that Luis is involved in the litigation with has been speaking to Margaret Josephs. And Josephs told this person she was planning to expose Luis Ruelas and Teresa Giudice, based on the information that this person had provided,” James reveals.

“Guys. This will make your f*cking head spin,” Teresa injects, noting that “this person gets her information through Margaret.”

In her confessional, Dolores says, “This is not a jaw-dropping revelation.” Teresa has been saying this for a while, though Marge has denied it when pressed in the past, as shown through flashbacks.

Following this, Teresa’s doorbell rings. It’s a funeral flower arrangement. The card reads, “Dear Teresa and James, Sorry for the loss of your dignity. Love, Love, Love, Marge.”

Teresa refuses the gift. Danielle dies laughing from the safety of her confessional, calling it a “gangster” move. All of the air of Teresa’s supposedly big reveal is taken out of her sails when Marge steals the show.

Dolores then tells everyone about the fire. Aydin calls this “divine intervention,” as Teresa agrees, calling it an “ome,” before Danielle corrects her that it is, in fact, an “omen.” This episode had all the “ingredientses” to set up for a fiery finale.

With no cast trip happening, the group will sit down for one last supper at Rails. And we already know that’s not going to go very well.