Does momentum exist? I don’t know, and neither does Arizona Cardinals head coach Jonathan Gannon. While he is getting raked over the coals for his team’s deep dive into the unique philosophical concept of momentum, I am not going to dunk on the NFC West’s Magellan all that much. Honestly, I kind of wanted to know if things like momentum and quicksand did in fact exist.

The Cardinals staff sailed all the way around the world, looking for presumably the Lost Scolls of Alexandria to see if this so-called cerebral phenomenon exists. Since I believe in things like ghosts, aliens and the afterlife, I want to believe. Unfortunately, the evidence the Arizona brass collected was merely inconclusive. Gannon is not a bad coach. He is merely one of the goofiest of goofy goobers.

No, this is not going to help the fact that he looks like Dr. Andre Nowzick from The League. Fate would have it, his former Philadelphia Eagles colleague and newish Indianapolis Colts head coach Shane Steichen looks like Dax Shepard. As a guy who thinks Forgetting Sarah Marshall is life-changing cinema, I will forever slap with Mr. Kristin Bell and the nerd Paul Scheer played to the highest degree.

The only thing I want now is for Keanu Reeves to answer the question of if quicksand actually exists?

If the War of 1812, the Crimean War and the United States Civil War teach you nothing, you are stupid!

Let’s be real. If more coaches want to figure out what bark is made out of, who shot JR and whatnot, I am all here for it. If the late, great Mike Leach was doing this sort of research, he would have been commended for doing so. He knew things about Bigfoot, dinosaurs and Geronimo that no one else knew. We have to keep The Spirit of The Pirate alive inside of us all. Or you can be a total wet blanket…

With anything that fails, I applaud the effort, I applaud the attempt, and I applaud you for going there.

There are learned doctors who make it their life’s work to learn everything they can about things like this. They get to dig in the dirt and not have real jobs, so long as the funding doesn’t get cut. When that does happen, you either get supervillains doing something nefarious in a lab or you end up with more crazy people screaming nonsense at a major intersecting near downtown off a college campus.

Dr. Gannon should be remembered as Captain Gannon, assuming only Coach Gannon fades off into the sunset like the black sails of a pirate ship. We are talking about a freaking kids game, dude. We sure do love our gladiator sports in the millennia since gladiators fought to the death vs. vicious exotic beasts and other combatants not far from where you drive your Vespa to go get an espresso.

For a state that I am legitimately shocked has actually live cardinals thriving inside of it, let’s let the grayish meat rocking inside of Gannon’s noggin cook before The Valley of the Sun cooks it all like a hot dog left on the grill after your Fifth of July. I didn’t think I would be defending Gannon today, but here we are. He’s not trying to duck anyone and everyone, he’s merely looking for an edge. The Edge!

Where the streets have no names, Gannon still hasn’t found what he’s looking for, with or without you.