If you are anything like me, which you probably are considering you are reading this website on the last day of July, two things are true. First, you are missing Golden Knights hockey very badly and are anxiously counting the days until it returns. Second, because there’s nothing better on TV, you are locked into the Olympics every morning cheering on Team USA (or Canada if you are into that sort of thing).

So, let’s get a little weird and combine the two. Here’s who I think would be best in each Olympic event.

Badminton – Ben Hutton

Sneakily has some of the best hands on the team.

Beach Volleyball – Nic Roy

Height, quickness, hands. Love the prospects of Nic Roy putting on a show on the sand.

Boxing – Nic Hague

Pull up some of his fights, especially before he got to the NHL. Take him off the skates, put him in a real ring, and I bet he’d be even better.

BMX – Alexander Holtz

Every hockey player knows how to ride a bike, with excellent coaching from VGK superfan and former gold medalist Connor Fields, Holtz will dominate this just like Connor did.

Breaking – Tomas Hertl

Fun must be always and what’s more fun than competitive break dancing?

Canoe Slalom – Gregori Denisenko

Highly doubt anybody on the roster would stand a chance of not drowning in this event. But it’s so awesome we need someone in it, so Gregori, strap in.

Equestrian – Adin Hill

I’ll be honest, I just think the idea of a giant goalie on a horse is funny. We’re probably screwed in this event anyway, we might as well have a little fun.

Fencing – Noah Hanifin

It’s all about movement (I think, I’ve watched like 3 hours of fencing and I still don’t really have any clue what’s going on), and not many move as well as Noah.

Soccer – William Karlsson

There’s a realistic shot that if Karlsson stopped playing hockey right now and switched to soccer he would be a pretty darn good professional player. Hopefully, The Creator never asks him to try out for Bournemouth.

Golf – Alex Pietrangelo

There might be better golfers on the team (I’ll stress might cause now that Stephenson is gone maybe Pietrangelo is the best) but Alex would be livid if he wasn’t assigned to golf, so he gets the nod to keep team camaraderie high.

Handball – Victor Olofsson

Europeans love handball. I wish Americans did too. It’s great.

Judo – Ilya Samsonov

Dude is 6’3” 220, good luck moving him around.

Pentathlon – Jack Eichel

There’s literally no athletic event I wouldn’t back Eichel to succeed in. So, let’s make him do all of them.

Rowing – Jonas Rondbjerg

17 Danish Olympians are competing in rowing this year. I’m assuming they are all awesome at it.

Rugby – Ivan Barbashev

Does this sport not seem perfect for Barbashev?

Skateboarding – Brett Howden

Something about Howden’s personality and look just makes me think he’d be good at this. (This is a roundabout way of saying Howden looks like a cool guy.)

Surfing – Brendan Brisson

Give me the California kid for surfing all day every day.

Swimming – Shea Theodore

Shea makes moving on frozen water look incredibly easy. Fingers crossed he can do it in the melted stuff too.

Table Tennis – Mark Stone

Aside from the fact that I know he’s very good at it, ping pong is the perfect sport to maximize Stone’s strengths and weaknesses. Honestly though, put Mark Stone in anything and I’m sure he’ll dominate.

Tennis – Zach Whitecloud

Tennis is such a respectful sport. Whitecloud would fit in perfectly.

Trampoline – Pavel Dorofeyev

I have no logical reason behind this one, just makes sense in my mind so we are going with it.

Volleyball – Brayden McNabb

I’ll be honest, I just went for the tallest guy and Hague was already taken for boxing.

Wrestling – Keegan Kolesar

You might think boxing, but Kolesar is actually better at grabbing people and throwing them around like rag dolls than he is punching them in the face.